Feedback: Part 1 - The Giver

Feedback.  Evaluation.  Criticism.  Judgment.  Do all those words mean the same thing?

I’ll save you time.  The answer is no. 

Feedback (n) – Information about reactions to a product, a person's performance of a task, etc. which is used as a basis for improvement.

 Three words stand out to me: Information. Performance.  Improvement.  None of those seem negative to me, so why do we feel that offering someone feedback is the equivalent of punching them in the gut, slamming a pie in their face, and then sweeping their legs out from under them????

Feedback isn’t mean or nasty until you make it so.  Truth is not a negative until you make it so.  And it all starts with communication.

(Note: This is a SIMPLIFIED version of how to give feedback.  If you want to know more, email me about speaking to your team, department, or organization!) 

What Usually Happens…

1 - We want to tell someone something.

“Your performance is slipping."
”You’re letting the team down.”
”You hurt my feelings.”
"You smell bad.”

2 - We create a story in our heads of what is going to happen, how they’re going to feel, and how it’s going to end.

“Ugh.  This is going to be awful.  She’s going to hate me.”
”He’s going to be so embarrassed.”
”Who am I to say something like this?  I’m nobody.”
”This is not my job or my responsibility.  I’ll wait for someone else to do it.”

Or sometimes the story goes…

“This person is doing this to me on purpose.”
”They’re trying to sink me and my career.”
”What is wrong with them?”
”I am going to give them a piece of my mind.”

Neither is helpful.

3 - From this story, fear is usually added.  Cortisol is triggered.  Our bellies tighten, our hearts race, and our palms sweat.  The amygdala in our brains is switched on which prepares us for danger, and it shuts down non-essential systems like complex cognitive behavior, decision making, moderating our social behavior, deep memory, and our immune system.

4 - We have to make a decision to move forward or not.  We consider just letting it all go because avoidance is SO much easier than using our words.  Or maybe we should use email instead of telling them in person.  Or maybe we should lie, just a little? 

In 2013, The Economist published a blog article revealing that most adults have a vocabulary range of 20,000-35,000 words.  And yet, putting a few of them together to form a feedback statement can seem impossible.  So we either avoid the conversation completely or we “wing it,” usually causing the outcome we were dreading in the first place.

What characteristics do you need to be good at this?

It’s widely known that influential people can evaluate and deliver their observations about someone’s performance or actions WHILE building a relationship with the other person.  So, how do they do it?

They have confidence. It takes…ahem…balls to have hard conversations and those that do know that they can speak their mind without crushing someone else's soul.  They know they are not someone who brutalizes other people, but rather someone that cares and helps others be the best versions of themselves. They are confident in their abilities.

They have humility.  They know they have A point, not THE ONLY point.  They understand they have one perspective of many, and they are not the judge and jury of life.  They are curious, concerned, and compassionate. 

They have practiced!  Those skilled at the art of communication have studied it, learned it, tried it, and tried it again.  We learn to communicate as babies, but those with influence know that’s just the beginning. 

OK, OK, so how do you actually give feedback?

1 - The first step is to look inward (cue eye roll).   Ask yourself what triggered you in the first place?  What conditions were present that made you feel like you were up against a wall?  Does this have to do with the mistake or with the person?  Am I connecting this incident with a story from my past that is generating these feelings?”

2 - Then check your motive by asking yourself, what do I really want from this conversation?  For myself?  For them?  For the relationship?  And most importantly, what would I do and how would I behave if I really wanted that outcome? Oooooo…that’s a juicy question, right?  

3 - Put your heart first - not your pride, your ego, your brain, your insecurities, or your wallet.

4 - Build your case.  The key here is to start with FACTS, i.e., what ACTUALLY happened rather than your interpretation of what happened.

Not: “You’re ignoring me!”  But rather: “I’ve requested a meeting with you three times, and you've canceled them all last minute.”  

Remember that you only have the right to talk about yourself, your own feelings, your own repercussions, and the things you know about and can control.  You cannot make statements on behalf of other people.

Not: “You’re being lazy and the entire team is angry.”  
But rather: “The project is nearly complete and the team is still missing your reports.  You and I sat down on May 3rd to make sure you had everything you needed, so I’m unsure as to why the reports have not been completed or turned in.”

5 - You can relay the story you are telling yourself so the consequences are understood.

“The team has been staying late every night to get this project done, including me.  I personally haven’t seen you stay late once, so I’m starting to tell myself you don’t care about this project, which I know isn’t true.”

While I don’t suggest using negative words throughout, it may be helpful to use a contrasting statement to tell this person what you don’t want to happen.

“I don’t want you to feel like I’m coming down on you for the mistake.  Mistakes are natural.  But what I do want you to feel is the urgency to fix it.”

 “I don’t know the circumstances around your ability to stay late and work with the team and I don’t want to assume.”

 6 - Ask for more clarity if it’s needed.

“Can you help me understand what is happening and how we can solve this and move forward?”  “Can you tell me why you canceled our meetings so I can better understand?”

7 - If you want to make a suggestion on how to fix the problem, use tentative words, like “perhaps,” “I suggest,” or “I was wondering if…”. Softening isn’t the same as manipulating or lying. Softening is also not wimpy. We can’t just swing the pendulum and say, “Well, if I can’t yell and scream and tell him exactly what to do, then I’ll just be a silent doormat.”

8 - Once you’ve explained your understanding of the situation and have asked clarifying questions, then your final job is to stay in dialogue with this person as to not let it escalate to a fight.  Stay confident, humble, and continue to use your skills to help them find the appropriate solution (not YOU finding the solution).  Let them know you have their back and are here if they need you…but you also know they got this. 

Give clear expectations as to the next steps, give a deadline if appropriate, and maybe even a hug.

And so…

The most important step is to continuously help them feel safe.  You can do this verbally with a soft tone, supportive language, and a slow pace.  You can do this non-verbally by looking at them in the eye, sitting with your body positioned towards theirs, and turning that frown upside down (as well as that scrutinizing crease in between your eyes).  You can do this by staying true to the empathetic and considerate person that you are.

Giving feedback starts and ends with respect. It’s about you being confident to speak your mind, in full and complete sentences, in a manner in which helps other people feel safe.