The Importance of Patience in Communication
Have you ever regretted a poorly timed conversation you had 5, 10, or even 20 years ago? Do you have nightmares about the immature 22-year-old version of yourself asked for a raise right after you totally blew a presentation? Or that fight you picked that ended in a screaming match because the other person felt “attacked,” which, of course, was “not your intention.” How about that time you wanted to tell a friend or colleague that they did something that hurt you, but ended up walking away from the conversation not feeling fully expressed or heard? Do you suffer from Impatient Communication?
While I hate to admit it, I have a few of those. Maybe more than a few...I’ve always had a big mouth (and I used to have bad timing). If you’ve ever heard me tell “The Chicago Airport Story,” that one certainly qualifies.
Through the years, I have come to realize that one of the easiest ways to avoid unnecessary conflict is to wait for favorable conditions to occur. Just like the weather, you’re not going to go for a run in the rain, so don’t bring up an impossible topic when it’s pouring into someone’s world. Surprising people with a heavy subject when they are not expecting it puts the conversation at an automatic disadvantage, puts the other party up against a wall, and, most likely, that will ensure the outcome that you’ve been dreading. The old self-fulfilling prophecy!
I call these acts verbal-grenades.
Why do we throw verbal-grenades?
Most often, this is born out of fear - fear of an impending fight, fear of the unknown, fear of hearing something you don’t want to, fear of looking silly/weak, or the irrepressible fear of confrontation. Ironically, there is usually more fear around the thought of having the conversation than there is once we have the conversation itself.
Another reason we throw these verbal-grenades is, simply, because it’s easier. It’s easier for us to pull the pin, throw the grenade, and scammer away than it is to do the scary thing. It’s hard to explain what we are feeling in a clear and concise manner, then plan a time where both parties will be in the appropriate mindset, then prepare what you are going to say while focusing on an equitable solution, and then potentially deal with push back.
Last, we do this so that we can be right. There’s a greater chance of things working out in our favor if we are the only ones who are mentally and verbally prepared. This is especially common when the other party is seen as an “authority.”
The alternative.
For those that are ready to evolve out of this particular behavior, the first thing to do is take responsibility for your feelings and actions (something greatly lacking in our society today). When we accept that WE are 100% in control of our own emotional state and how we represent ourselves, then we reduce the need to accuse, blame or shame others. We then have an opportunity to reframe this conversation from “You did this to me,” to “I am having feelings about something and wanted to share that with you.”
Look within and calmly decipher WHAT emotion we’re feeling, WHY we are feeling it, WHY we want to have this conversation, and HOW to achieve the desired outcome. “Because I need to give him a piece of my mind” does not count as a good reason.
The next step is to stop the little voices in our heads so that we can think rationally. We create full-blown stories about the outcome of our conversation, and we let that become fact. Unless you truly are a psychic and can see the future, we must keep an open mind and an open heart and let go of any expectations. A brilliant friend of mine Paola Castro once told me, “expectations are premeditated disappointments.”
After accountability and preparation, then decide how much context and notice you should give the other person. Does the other person think fast on their feet and prefer it that way? Then you can tell them you need the meeting and what it’s about, schedule it, and let it be. If they are the type of person that needs more detail, needs time to think about a response, or gets really anxious with hard conversations, then make sure to give them additional context as to why you want the conversation, when you’d like it, and maybe even a few talking points.
During the conversation itself, the best advice is to be open, be honest and vulnerable, and come with curiosity and a genuine interest in their side of the story, so that we don’t repeat the same situation. I also recommend trying Amy Cuddy’s Power Pose, Wim Hoff’s breathing techniques or watch some puppy videos.
And so…
As with most things, “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Let’s not equate stress and anxiety with honest communication. And remember to stop and breathe before you pull your next pin.
Find these tips and more in my Introduction to Effective Communication e-course!