The truth about transitions.

Let me just put it out there. 

Transitions in life are hard.  They can be painful or joyous.  They can cause anxiety or excitement.  They can be unplanned or intentional. 

AND THAT’S THE WAY THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE.  STOP FIGHTING IT.

In our lives, we (hopefully) go through dozens of transitions.  We transition from crawling to walking.  We learn to communicate to ask for what we need.  We start a new sport or take up an instrument.  We decide what style or clique we fit into (and then change that 10 times).  We take the leap into High School then College.  We pick our first profession.  We get married and/or have kids. 

But somewhere after that point, maybe in our 40s and up, we decide that our time for transitioning should be over.  That it’s just too daunting, too overwhelming, and too volatile to make a change.  We feel like the stakes are too high and the consequences of our decisions are too profound.  That we should just “be who we are” and “know what we want.”  We feel as if, at this age, we should look down the barrel of the future and already have the answers.

WHY?  Why is that the time when we rail against a personal or professional remodel?  Why do we automatically associate an unknown and transitioning future with negativity? 

This subject matter came to light for me on a recent career coaching call.  I was speaking with a talented, intelligent, kind, strong woman who was thinking of leaving her company but didn’t have all the answers on what she was going to do next.  She had a few ideas, and she knew what she would enjoy, but was profoundly stuck because she wanted to know what the RIGHT ANSWER was.  Where did that golden ticket lie?  What should come next?  And WHY didn’t she know?

She said things like,

“I usually know what I want and how I’m going to get it, and now I don’t.  I feel lost.”

Or “I used to have great insight and focus.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

I sat there, staring at this gorgeous human being who had tears in her eyes.  She blamed herself for not having the RIGHT answer, for not psychically knowing what was coming next and exactly the route to take to get there.  She thought, as most of us do, that she should just KNOW, and it should be so clear to her that there would be no doubt in her mind.  That, at this age, she shouldn’t be in this state of limbo.  That fearing the unknown was a weakness or disability.  She was certain that she was failing herself and those around her.

 I listened to her, comforted her, and then said with utter confidence:

You’re not failing at who you were.  You are becoming who you are supposed to be.

Why are transitions in life so hard?

There are many reasons that shifts in our lives feel like tidal waves.  Some are evolutionary, some are emotional, and some are societal.

Evolution has wired our brains to be resistant to change. A key function of our brain, specifically our amygdala, is to regulate the body for survival, to sense danger, and to ignite our fight or flight.  Our bodies crave homeostasis and stability.  Uncertainty can be interpreted as a threat, igniting a stress response that changes our hormonal balance and affects the way we think and feel. Our brain tells us that this “instability” is bad so we seek equilibrium however we can, even if that means going back to the things that aren’t serving us anymore.

Emotionally, we may assume change means a loss of control (especially for my kindred type-A control-freak friends out there). This perceived loss of control can be disorienting and anxiety-inducing when we’ve been accustomed to controlling every aspect of our lives (or so we think). Any alteration to our current way of living may feel unsettling.  Then we go down the rabbit hole of imagining worst-case scenarios, driven by our desire to get back to “the way things were.”  We get locked into a pessimistic mindset (“I’m never going to be that happy at work ever again!”) which pulls us down, zaps our energy, and erodes the courage we need to take the necessary leap.

We also accumulate responsibilities and obligations as we age. In our younger years, we may have had more flexibility and fewer commitments tying us down. As we progress through life, we acquire mortgages, careers, families, and other obligations that make it increasingly difficult to adapt to change. The fear of disrupting these established structures can paralyze us, especially when it comes to money. 

Additionally, societal expectations and stereotypes about aging can exert pressure on individuals as they navigate transitions. There is often a pervasive belief that certain milestones should be reached by a certain age, whether it's buying a house, achieving some arbitrary level of career success, or having “enough money.” For those who deviate from these prescribed timelines, there can be a sense of inadequacy, further complicating the transition process.

Despite the challenges, navigating transitions in later life offers opportunities for growth, self-discovery, and renewal. By embracing change with an open mind and a willingness to adapt, we can uncover new passions, forge deeper connections, and discover aspects of ourselves we never knew existed. It's important to recognize that transitions are not endpoints but rather part of an ongoing journey of personal evolution.

After all, life's transitions are not meant to break us but to shape us into the resilient beings we are capable of becoming.

Quick tips to get through transitions in life.

First, take a moment to identify the actual transition and name it in the most realistic and objective way possible.  What are the facts of this situation?  What IS happening in real life rather than your perception of what’s happening?  This is action-oriented.

For my mental and financial health, I need to update my resume, practice my interviewing skills, and search for a new position.

I am currently low on funds.  I have enough to pay my bills for the next three months but need to cut excess spending immediately.  I will start a spreadsheet (look in my app, etc.) to identify the necessities and the niceties so I can make an informed decision on the next best step.

The way I have communicated in the past is no longer serving me.  I will reflect on the areas of highest concern and look online for courses or coaches to help me.

Once you’ve identified WHAT the transition is, we name the feeling we’re having because of it.

Changing jobs at this age feels scary and heavy, but at the same time, a little exciting.

My financial situation brings up feelings of hopelessness and depression.

Realizing how my communication habits have hurt other people makes me feel regretful and disappointed in myself.

Finally, and most importantly, remove the shame.  Would you tell your best friend that feeling scared is dumb?  Would you tell your partner that feelings of depression mean they are a failure?  Would you tell your sibling or family member that regret is useless?  Probably not.  Then why are you telling yourself that?

Feelings are feelings and none of them are bad - if you learn something from them.  Don’t push your feelings away or pretend they are not there.  Grab them, own them, feel them deep in your belly, and find out what it’s telling you.  Shaming our feelings or pretending they are not there does NOT work.

Look, life is messy and always will be.  The world moves and we have no control over it.  Accept it, accept yourself, take a deep breath, and go for it. 

I believe in you.