You Pay The Price For Poor Listening!
We live in a world that values speaking about what’s in our hearts and our minds. We are encouraged to listen to our guts and our brains. But, in today’s overwhelming society, we seldom talk about listening, with intent, to others. In motivational speeches and productivity books, we highlight the importance of making the most out of our inner voices and letting the world hear them. However, you rarely find someone calling attention to the art of active listening.
But did you know that there is a price associated with poor listening? Of course you did. According to an estimate, Fortune 500 companies incur annual losses as high as $37 billion. It can be the sole reason for lost jobs, lost partnerships, and lost relationships. Yet, it is one of the most under-appreciated and underestimated investments, not just for businesses but for individuals as well.
Listening is an incredibly underrated skill. Unfortunately, the world of social media has zapped our attention span from everyday conversations. As a result, we are losing the ability and the art of being thoughtful, considerate, and attentive listeners. But not all is doom and gloom. As I mentioned, listening is a skill that we can acquire. If you learn and practice it over time, you can master it.
So, what is listening, and how can I become a good listener? Let’s uncover the subtle craft of fine listening today so you can become an effective communicator.
WHAT IS LISTENING?
Listening can change our lives. It can change our relationships. Unfortunately, most people confuse listening with hearing, and the ability to sit and hear what the other person is saying. Those are not the same thing. The goal of listening is understanding, just as it is with communicating. And that takes some effort.
Three Pillars of Listening:
There are three fundamental pillars of understanding what listening means:
Listening entails hearing the words as they are said.
It consists of identifying how it was said.
It focuses on noticing how someone looked when they were saying it.
In short, listening comprises understanding the verbal aspect of the conversation + annotating the tone, + catching the non-verbal queues of the speaker.
Contrary to the popular narrative, again, listening isn’t hearing words only. Listening means paying attention to how these words were said, how the speaker reacted when speaking them, and what the context was. Listening also means identifying how the words resonate with you.
You might hear what someone said, but you will miss the message altogether. To become a good listener and a worthy communicator takes intent and active work.
Always remember that hearing isn’t the goal of any conversation. Understanding is. And that takes patience, attention, and effort.
WHAT LISTENING IS NOT
Equally important to understanding what listening means is understanding what it is NOT. As opposed to typical behavior, listening does not mean waiting for your turn to speak. It doesn’t mean thinking of what you’re going to say next. It doesn’t mean interrupting. It doesn’t mean that when you don’t like what another person has to say that you offer up your own opinion.
Instead, as discussed above, listening is about giving another person the space to convey their message verbally and understand how they said it and what other non-verbal cues followed their statements. This reminds me of one of my favorite quotes by Stephen Covey:
“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”
This behavior can send you down a path to becoming a bad communicator. If you are listening just to ignore most of the conversation until it becomes relevant to you so you can respond, you are doing it all wrong. Listening isn’t about you fact-correcting someone or fidgeting and killing time when it doesn’t suit you. It is about holding space for someone to open up and talk about whatever they want.
As discussed in length, hearing is only the first pillar.
WHAT TO AVOID WHEN LISTENING
Avoid giving illogical answers or vague explanations.
Avoid zoning out if the conversation gets too dull for you.
Avoid chiming in with your anecdotes when not asked for.
Avoid fidgeting, using your phone, checking your watch, etc.
Avoid thinking of what to say next when listening to someone.
Avoid interrupting and cutting in when the other person is speaking.
Avoid interrupting when someone is having a meaningful conversation with you.
Avoid schooling the other person or disagreeing with them just so you can say, “I’m right.”
HOW TO BECOME A BETTER LISTENER
Also contrary to popular thought, listening doesn’t necessarily mean that you must agree with every word said during the conversation. To listen intently does not imply that you agree with someone. It simply means that you accept the legitimacy of another person’s point of view. You give them the acknowledgment that you might have something to learn from them. It just means that you embrace the possibility of multiple opinions, viewpoints, and ideas.
“Good listeners know that understanding is not binary. It isn’t about whether you have it or you don’t. Your understanding can always be improved.” (“You're Not Listening” book, Kate Murphy)
So, what does it take to become a good listener, and how can we try and become one today? From what we discussed today, we have covered good ground in understanding what listening is and what it is not. But, we have yet to uncover the tips and ways to become a good listener. Since we have enough takeaways and a lot of homework to do from this blog, I will compile some of my proven and efficient tips on becoming a better listener in another blog. While you learn and practice the listening dos and don’t from this one, keep checking the website for another blog with some excellent listening advice coming shortly.
Let’s get listening today!
