How To Overcome Your Identity Triggers When Receiving Feedback

For many of us, our most immediate reaction when receiving negative feedback is to take it personally. We feel offended, or we become defensive, finding ways through which we can justify our actions or negate them altogether. However, receiving feedback, especially the one aimed at bettering us, is a blessing!

But, the real question is, are you often open to receiving the feedback?

When you receive negative feedback (what I call “improvement feedback”), your reaction could go one of two ways. You can either completely shut it down, thinking that the other person is just plain wrong…or you can think of it as a gift of betterment. You could think of it as a bigger picture perspective offered by someone who is not you. You could just be open to hearing what this person has to say without committing to change. You could listen, ask questions, and maybe even try to understand what they are seeing that you are not. But man, is that hard!

So, why do we get triggered? Why does receiving feedback make us want to not talk to the other person again? Why is it so hard to accept that a viewpoint different than ours can be valid?

This is because we all have triggers. And, let’s unpack it together today.

IDENTITY TRIGGERS WHILE RECEIVING FEEDBACK

An identity trigger is just one of the many things that can happen during a difficult conversation. As humans, we tend to go towards things that are pleasurable and run away from things that are perceived as negative. The are many biological and reasons why our brain doesn’t know the difference between short-term pain that is good for our development as opposed to long-term suffering that can be harmful.

This short-term pains are our identity triggers. Being aware of what triggers you (and your reaction to those triggers) is one step towards becoming better at receiving feedback. But, be mindful and know that our triggers are two-dimensional, and we can end up choosing any of those two sides in the conversation.

The two most common reactions to any identity triggers are either silence or violence. Similar to fight or flight, when we are triggered, we either hide, self-preserve, retreat, or we yell, lash out, or become angry.  Neither of these two behaviors help move a conversation forward or help you understand the critical takeaways of the situation. 

When neither silence nor violence are the answer, what are the ways you can go about receiving improvement feedback without letting triggers get the best of you?

Here are some of the ways through which you can understand, explore and outrun your identity triggers:

1 - Notice What Triggers You!

This is the first and the most integral step in dealing with your identity triggers. If you are not noticing what’s triggering you, you won’t be able to overcome it. When someone gives us feedback, we wallow in the adverse effects of what was said instead of uncovering the real meaning behind why it was said. Then we fast forward a couple of days, and we realize that we fell in either of the two directions I just mentioned; silence or violence.

Start this process by just noticing your reaction and the direction you are choosing to go.

The goal is to start noticing your pattern sooner than you did the last time. You will eventually get to a point where you notice if you’re falling into silence or violence in the moment rather than a week after, a day after, or an hour after. From there, you can course-correct immediately and give the reaction that the situation deserves.

But remember, the key here is to practice noticing what triggers you and your instant reaction to it.

2 - Find The WHY!

Now that you might have deciphered your trigger pattern and your reaction, the next thing to do is ask yourself WHY. When you notice yourself following a certain behavioral pattern repeatedly, you need to examine the emotions that are involved behind your reaction. Why do you react the way you react? What makes you fall in a particular direction?

When you become skilled at noticing your triggers, you can start to work on your emotions. Right when you notice yourself sinking into silence or violence, immediately look within and try to recall a story that created this trigger. Did something happen in the past that you continue reliving? Is there an unresolved emotion or past conflict that brings up particular feelings whenever someone talks about these emotions? Is the person providing feedback a trigger? 

It is significant to unearth the reason behind your triggers so you can work on resolving them. There is no rush to do that. Take your time and master the art of noticing the triggers and the patterns that follow.

3 - This Is An Opportunity

I have been telling you this since the beginning of this blog: Feedback is an opportunity. An opportunity to do better, be better and find ways to excel in areas you otherwise might be lacking. Any feedback you receive provides you a chance to learn more and solve a problem. When you start practicing this way of thinking, you will change everything.

As we introduce complex and abstract questions to the mind, the problem-solving part of our brain recognizes that we are now dealing with intricate issues and not physical threats. As a result, the learning part of your brain gets activated, and our amygdala won’t activate our fight or flight mode. So instead of thinking on the go, our brain takes a more relaxed approach. This uses a very different part of our brain – a more rational and predictable part. Our goal is to reach this part so we can face our triggers, overcome them, and learn to separate important feedback from the noise that surrounds us every day. 

SUMMARY

If receiving improvement feedback is hard for you, you must find out the reasons behind it. When approached with feedback, there are a lot of thoughts and feelings that can surface and hinder the real meaning behind it. This is why a deep understanding of who we are, our identity triggers, what provokes them, and how we can stop them is mandatory. With time, attention, and effort (and the right online courses, like We Need to Talk: A Guide to Tackling Tough Conversations), you can master the art of receiving feedback.

Notice your patterns, find out what triggers you and why, and learn to use the moments of feedback as an opportunity to work on them. I can guarantee you that you will start welcoming feedback aimed at helping you improve and become the best version of yourself that you can be.